Pain and pausing, by molly remer candida yeast symptoms

Last year in august, I wrote here at FAR about my own pattern of candida yeast symptoms getting sick each july and the steps I have been candida yeast symptoms taking over the last three years to change that pattern candida yeast symptoms for myself. This year in a surprisingly literal twist, I fell and hurt my ankle in june, and now, eight weeks later, am still recovering from that fall, thus inadvertently continuing my pattern of spending july of every candida yeast symptoms year “out of commission.”

There is no dramatic story associated with my fall, I was quite literally just standing still on the front candida yeast symptoms porch, waiting for my kids to open the front door after candida yeast symptoms getting home from a girl scout meeting, when my foot slipped off the short front step and candida yeast symptoms I came down hard on my ankle, twisting it beneath me at a 90 degree angle inward, as if I stepped down onto the end of my candida yeast symptoms leg bone instead of my foot. I knew immediately that this was not a “normal” misstep or simple twist of the ankle, my leg hurt in a different and deeper way than candida yeast symptoms I’ve ever experienced before, the swelling instantaneous and visible through my sock before I candida yeast symptoms could even crawl inside. My husband mark came running to help me and all candida yeast symptoms I could say was, I think I’ve really, really hurt myself.

I have, in fact, really hurt myself. I tore ligaments in my ankle and fractured at least candida yeast symptoms one small bone in the top of my foot. The bruises bloom immediately, deep purple and blue, along the entire edge of my foot, the top of my foot into two toes, and on my ankle itself, above the swollen, stiff lump where my normal ankle bone used to be.

When my dad who is a former EMT comes to candida yeast symptoms look at my ankle, he accidentally makes me laugh by saying he thinks I candida yeast symptoms will heal completely since I am “relatively young.” I decide it is a parenting up-level to have reached a point in which you can candida yeast symptoms accurately now describe your own daughter as relatively young.

As someone whose life has been shaped by wings and candida yeast symptoms walks this year, this is a hard circumstance to swallow. I feel like I have lost my joy, the twin bookends of delight that frame each day for candida yeast symptoms me: my visits to the woods in the morning and my candida yeast symptoms two mile walks every evening with my husband. I usually move swiftly through my days, capable, certain, strong. It is strange to have gone from fully mobile and candida yeast symptoms strong, to tender and vulnerable, in the space of only a single step. Of course, I wonder if this is a “sign,” an enforced mandate to slow down and to rest, to be forced to take a break by being literally candida yeast symptoms broken. But, then I remember a promise I made to myself two candida yeast symptoms years ago when I developed a nasty sinus infection after candida yeast symptoms caring for my sick kids. If I would never look my sick toddler in the candida yeast symptoms eye and asked him what he had done to “deserve” being so sick, I would never visit that cruelty and needless blame-casting upon myself.

I fall on a tuesday and on that saturday, my mom comes to pick me up for our red candida yeast symptoms tent retreat at the river. I am shocked by how unstable and unsteady I feel candida yeast symptoms outside on the uneven terrain. I am barely capable of standing, let alone hoisting myself along the ground. I feel vulnerable and small, invalid and weak. My friend and my mom work setting up the simple candida yeast symptoms ritual site and I watch, seated on the pavilion’s porch, swinging my other leg and marveling at their adept and candida yeast symptoms fluid movements, their bodily capacities, their sure feet on uncertain ground. The blankets are spread beneath swaying green trees on the candida yeast symptoms point of land overlooking the confluence of two creeks and candida yeast symptoms the river. We can hear the breeze and the gentle flow of candida yeast symptoms the water. Women start to arrive, full of hugs and smiles and words of connection. I hobble to the blanket and sit down, where I can show my bruising and receive the tender candida yeast symptoms balm of sympathy and exclamation. My chiropractor friend has traveled all the way from kansas candida yeast symptoms for our circle and she examines my ankle with care candida yeast symptoms and a light touch, telling me though it may take six weeks, I will get better.

We gather in circle and I guide them briefly through candida yeast symptoms a breath and grounding. A light breeze rolls around us, caressing our faces and our closed eyes as we rest candida yeast symptoms our hands on one another’s lower backs and hum together, surrounded by green trees, under a wide blue and white sky. A chorus of bugs and birdsong joins with our voices, the gentle drift of the never-ending river current hums, the ground is warm and whole beneath our feet. I have asked four of my friends to offer an candida yeast symptoms elemental blessing with some herbs of the summer solstice and candida yeast symptoms they circle us, speaking their carefully chosen words, scattered herbs to encircle our working. We sit and sing together, words of welcome and affirmation, love and wonder. Tears begin to fall from several women as the songs candida yeast symptoms soak into our bones. I’m not sure what brings the tears, the circle, the song, the container, the sunshine on our shoulders. I look up to see four vultures cresting the bluffs candida yeast symptoms and circling our circle with their own. We are here, we are alive, we are whole, we are well.

After passing the rattle and witnessing one another’s journeys, we break for snacks and conversation and begin our projects, stamping designs on muslin tarot bags and doing batik dyeing. My mom drives me to the river cabin to use candida yeast symptoms the bathroom and I tell her I think I’m overdoing it, I feel frayed, ebbing, and weak. I know it is because I’m expending too much energy supporting the circle energetically, holding the space, the energy, the safety of our container. She suggests I put my foot up and rest for candida yeast symptoms a spell, and I do, letting the women bring me strawberries, chocolate, and crackers, and refilling my water, respecting my space, while they work on their projects without me.

After recharging with food and rest we move to our candida yeast symptoms next item, an experimental, body-based concept I’m not sure will fly with our group, as it feels very intimate and personal. We divide into groups of four and take turns lying candida yeast symptoms down on the blanket in the center of our smaller candida yeast symptoms circles. The women around us gently lift up parts of our candida yeast symptoms bodies and lay hands upon us offering the wish, the hope, the promise, the vow, the blessing: let go. While we occasionally laugh and part of us initially feels candida yeast symptoms silly, we quickly relax into the power of what we are candida yeast symptoms experiencing together. This sun, this wind, this grass, these trees, this river, it all bears witness to the gentle care with which candida yeast symptoms we treat each other. We touch each other so gently, so tenderly. It is surprisingly personal and intimate to be handled so candida yeast symptoms kindly by our friends. I am surprised by the tender feelings I experience both candida yeast symptoms when being the recipient of touch and in giving it candida yeast symptoms to others, we are rarely so close to one another, leaning in, close to one another’s eyebrows, toes, and weary shoulders. I place my hands on both sides of a friend’s face and see the tears well up and spill candida yeast symptoms over beneath her closed lashes. We re-gather in our larger circle, feeling connected and supported in a new way, and sing together two songs of letting go.

They go to the river now, for a ritual immersion and cleansing after our letting go. I can’t accompany them, so I wait on my blanket, singing another song: let it in, let it go, round and round we flow, weaving the web of women. I sing for a long time, high and quiet into the gentle air. As I sit alone above the riverbank, waiting and singing, listening to the hoots and laughter of my friends below candida yeast symptoms me in the water, a red-shouldered hawk leaves the tree and glides away into the candida yeast symptoms air where a vulture turns lazily above the river.

The gift in this setback over the last eight weeks candida yeast symptoms proves to be to recognize, as perspective often demonstrates, how much I have. I have spent any number of hours this year fretting candida yeast symptoms over not getting to do something and feeling resentful of candida yeast symptoms being impeded in my progress and now, thrown into a situation of actually being unable to do candida yeast symptoms something and actually impeded, it brings into sharp relief the freedom and influence I candida yeast symptoms have truly enjoyed the rest of the year—it is much clearer to me now how often I candida yeast symptoms don’t do something for a multitude of reasons that are candida yeast symptoms usually fully within my own control and choice, not because I “can’t” or I am somehow not being “allowed to.”

Movement is magical and I miss it, I think, sitting on the deck the next week in the cool candida yeast symptoms air, watching the mulberry leaves and feeling the breeze bump against candida yeast symptoms my heart. May I remember that watching and witnessing is one of candida yeast symptoms my most precious and powerful gifts.

My leg aches, but I am swept with gratitude for the new temple candida yeast symptoms of the ordinary that I find has been formed by candida yeast symptoms and on the weathered deck beneath my feet, and I am struck with gratitude that it is only candida yeast symptoms this. Only my ankle. Only a normal, run of the mill fall. No lifelong trauma or catastrophic diagnosis. No permanent lifestyle change or disability, just a few weeks of hobbling and looking at the candida yeast symptoms world from a deck instead of a rock.

A mockingbird flies onto the porch and lands briefly on candida yeast symptoms the windchimes. An orange butterfly opens its wings gently as it rests candida yeast symptoms on the outer wall of the house. The lilies are full and gorgeous in the sun and candida yeast symptoms a new rose has opened on my rosebush by the candida yeast symptoms deck.

Molly remer has been gathering the women to circle, sing, celebrate, and share since 2008. She plans and facilitates women’s circles, seasonal retreats and rituals, mother-daughter circles, family ceremonies, and red tent circles in rural missouri. She is a priestess who holds MSW, M.Div, and D.Min degrees and wrote her dissertation about contemporary priestessing in candida yeast symptoms the U.S. Molly and her husband mark co-create story goddesses , original goddess sculptures, ceremony kits, mini goddesses, and jewelry at brigid’s grove. Molly is the author of womanrunes , earthprayer , she lives her poems , and the red tent resource kit and she writes about candida yeast symptoms thealogy, nature, practical priestessing, and the goddess at patreon and at brigid’s grove.

Thank you, molly, I am enjoyed reading this. You are am amazing, awe-inspiring woman who packs about six or seven lifetimes into candida yeast symptoms your one. You continually amaze me with all that you do while candida yeast symptoms homeschooling children, reading and your incredible worldwide company involving not only your candida yeast symptoms beautiful statues but courses and more. In the dictionary, under ‘capable’, there is you! Life continually gives us different perspectives, doesn’t it, when we are open to them. That you should have this accident while standing on a candida yeast symptoms small step; how very humbling, right. Your story reminds me of having my fourth child at candida yeast symptoms 42 years of age. And not a vibrant, well-oiled 42, but a holding on to the edge of the cliff candida yeast symptoms 42. She was my ‘kali’ who brought me down. Completely depleted, post-partum, I had to spend weeks in bed, so weak that I could not walk down the stairs. I remember thinking to myself that if there was a candida yeast symptoms fire, I would not be able to get out the house. The feeling of vulnerability and dependence was the hardest to candida yeast symptoms adjust to. In many ways, my struggles and challenges are still here. But I have changed so much. The experience for me was my true beginning of the candida yeast symptoms mantra I often repeat, ‘I trust. I accept. I surrender.’ and then I go kick some ass … haha ha. Much love, molly. Thank you again for being you.